Tasers for Christ, Shocking Love
January 24, 2009, 11:29
Filed under: Uncategorized

There is much talk on the web these days about church discipline, as well there should be.  There is also a lot of information on youth ministry.  So with tongue firmly in cheek, I offer this imaginary blog post.  It was inspired by  a post, by a true servant of God who is in youth ministry.  Pray for him,  it is a rough job!  The following has no basis in reality, but I hope brings a chuckle.  

YouthMinister Blog says…

We had a lock in last night.  27 youth were confined in the church basement with pizza, games, cool Christian movies ,and surround sound Casting Crowns and News Boys.  The pastor organized the event, but was unable to attend due to a scheduling conflict with his Christian Bridge Club.   I have never been invited to this club, it must be about bridging the gap to the unbelieving, I think.   

Things went well.  No one died.  I had 5 Red Bulls to keep going and I still feel great.  The shaking is subsiding.  There were a few problems.  Two 7th grader girls were hanging on an an 18 year old boy and try as I might to communicate the undesirability of this they refused to cooperate.  One girl who is a member of the church and should know better was just behaving poorly.  It was a bit frustrating.  Well I am going to the clinic now.  My wife says it is not a good sign to have nose bleeds and facial tics,  but the other youth ministers have the same simptoms so it can’t be bad.  Maybe we should have prayed before we started the night off. 

Willohroots responds:

Ah, an opportunity to teach church discipline!  Good luck with that.  We live in a culture without discipline, hence your problem.. I used to do teen ministry.  I am thankful  that it is past tense.  I would suggest using a Taser, since I am not in your church and will not be there when it all breaks lose.   I will read the news on the blogosphere, “Youth minister Tasers two 7th graders for raging hormones and an 18 year old just because.    He then Tased a member of his own church and held the button down till the battery died. ”   I guess you can’t do that, but would not Student Ministry be more enjoyable if the most heard quote was, “Don’t Tase me man, don’t Tase me!” ?  I mean more enjoyable for you.    I’ll bet we would get a lot more volunteers to work with youth if we issued Tasers.   Hey this isn’t like adultery is it? You know where Jesus said don’t even think about it? Naw, can’t be. After all there is no commandment “thou shall not Tase.”  Can you not think of a young person that a few thousand volts administered at the appropriate time would not be a blessing?  Spare the volts and spoil the child.  Tasers are small, relatively inexpensive and their use takes little training.  Life Way will soon offer Tasers at a reduced cost to SBC churches.  AoG churches offer their own version,” Slain in the Amperage”, which has the added feature of causing the target to speak in strange tongues while voltage is applied.  The Methodist model is not recommended, as it consists of a recording that says, “Imagine you were Tased, Hurts doesn’t it?”   Shalom,, and you better pray before you open the doors to youth!

17 Comments so far
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Love it. Made me laugh out loud, because there is so much truth to stories like this.

Comment by Dr. Headly

As a recently recovering former youth minister, I resemble your remarks. I used Mountain Dew primarily however as Red Bull is just nasty to me. I had lock-in flashbacks and got a good laugh from this one. You should hear the story of a lock-in my evangelism class in college did for about 300 teens, 2/3 of which were unchurched. We just wanted to get some names of kids we could visit during EE training. Mission accomplished. We saw a couple dozen of those kids come to know Christ over the next few weeks and only did moderate damage to the university’s rec building.

Comment by jeofurry

That is a great story, Praise the Lord! 300 teens, locked in. Sounds like juvie hall.
Jeff I understand that in North Dakota cattle prods are the instrument of choice in Baptist circles.
Seriously, how many of you did it take to corral the herd?

Comment by willohroots

Very funny! I have never envied the life of a youth minister.

Comment by Eclectic Christian

The lock-in that I was referring to actually took place at John Brown University in Siloam Springs, AR. It was not a good night because there were 30 of us in the class. So we were outnumbered 10 to 1. The worst part of the evening was when the police arrived with 4 or 5 kids who had snuck out a side door without being noticed or missed and were picked up across town in front of a convenience store for loitering.

Comment by jeofurry

Oh, that had to be bad! I am not sure that when the Savior said “suffer the little children” he meant to suffer that badly. I’m glad you didn’t do hard time.
Lock-ins have so much responsibility, if one of those kids had……

Comment by willohroots

Hey Will,

Thanks for stopping by the LifeVesting site, and for your encouragement. I love your blog, and will certainly be back. Let’s trade some links.

Your post reminds me of some profound wisdom I once heard on why God gives us teenagers – it’s to take away the dread of dying. After teenagers, really, how bad could it be?

Comment by Andy Wood

I should probably tell the best story from the lock-in now. I didn’t mean to leave it out, but didn’t want to take a lot of room. One of the kids did several thousand dollars worth of damage to the facility that night. He destroyed 5 thermostats and some other things and was caught by our professor, so his parents made him make restitution for the damages. When we were doing our visits, the professor was one of the ones who went to this boy’s house. The boy prayed to receive Christ during the visit and apologized for his behavior. He actually had quite a stunning transformation from the boy that had done all of that mayhem. It is one of those amazing things that God can do from the worst of circumstances.

Comment by jeofurry

How often we find the worse the behavior the louder the cry for help. That is a great story. It was good his parents were on the right side, It would not surprise me if you were sued for attacking the poor young fellow with thermostats.
I live to heart the stories of changed lives.

Comment by willohroots

Andy Wood, nice to hear from you. I raised two girls, the youngest just turned 20. Oh, I agree!

Comment by willohroots

Awww youth! You can learn so much from them if you can live through it and don’t find yourself in the corner rolling up and down your socks, and they need Christ soo much. I did a lock down the safe way. We had a rock-a-thon. We sat in rocking chairs for 32 hours rocking away. We were raising money for famine. We played games that allowed us to stay rocking, (All though some pushed the envelope) had incredible sharing and prayer time. If you can strap them down for awhile some awesome things happen. When you are working with youth you feel like you just aren’t getting the message through. Sharing the love of Jesus, no matter how hard you have to grit your teeth may seem pointless most times, but rest assured there is an impact and if you are lucky you will see it. I have a 17, 18, 20 and 21 year old. (two girls, two boys) Just as my husband and I were ready to sit back and sigh thinking we didn’t do too bad of a job and we can let them fly, we now have a 9 month old we are trying to adopt (a girl, yikes, all of you with girls know what I mean) What is wrong with us? 🙂
If you work with youth consider it a an honor then put on your armor, but keep your heart soft, and carry a taser. Love the stories.

Comment by Patty

There is advice you can live with, keep your heart soft and Taser Charged!
Everybody here at Willohroots needs to take a moment to pray for your struggle to adopt this child. Maybe you would be kind enough to come back and share your story with us all.

Comment by willohroots

“…keep your heart soft, and carry a taser.”

Words to live by, for sure.

Comment by Shawn W

We do need your prayers. Baby Jessica was born on April 21,2008 weighing 5lbs 7ozs and perfectly healthy. On August 5th, almost 4 months into her young life she was life flighted to Hershey Medical Center. She was near death with her eyes sunken, her abdomen sunken and her soft spot on her head sunken. She was in renal failure and her liver was shutting down. She was bagged for urine and there wasn’t a drop. Jessica had no tears when she cried. She was ashen gray and lethargic. Her weight was just 6lbs 13ozs, not even a pound and a half since her birth almost 4 months ago. Little Jessica’s condition was the result of being starved by her birth parents. As our Jessica laid in the arms of angels the doctors worked feverishly to save her life. She responded immediately to being hydrated. Her kidney’s started working again and the rest of her body was coming back to life. She is a miracle of God. She started to eat with no difficulty at all and gained almost 2 pounds in 5 days at the hospital. Children and Youth were called in. They contacted us to see if we would take Jessica when she got out of the hospital so she wouldn’t have to go in to foster care. Jessica’s mother is my husband’s sister who has had her other two children, now 6 and 8 years old, taken off of her 4 years ago.
Jessica came home to us on August 15th. She was so tiny and frail. She is the most lovable sweet baby. She gained another 3 pounds in the first 6 days we had her. She is doing wonderful now and is perfectly healthy again, praise God! Jessica’s case was handed over to the District Attorney, but charges have not been filed as of yet. I have found out that Children and Youth may not have gotten needed medical records for the DA to prosecute and the charges may be dropped. My husband and I went to Hershey ourselves and got the records and are presenting a package to the DA on Monday 2-2-08, with the records, pictures and a letter to explain to the DA why justice needs to be done for Jessica. Children and Youth are planning to put Jessica back into the home of the people that almost murdered her. Her birth mother is an alcoholic among other things, with a good size criminal record and had her other two children taken away from her. Her supposedly birth father, has a very long criminal record that includes assault and battery (on a woman) terroristic threats, drugs and alcohol abuse. Jessica would be in grave danger if she were to go back with her birth parents. We are trying to get a lawyer for Jessica, pro bono. I have gone from full time to part time employment to take care of Jessica and we have 3 other kids at home to take care of. Money is tight, but God’s grace and blessings are incredible. There is a court hearing February 25th for the courts to give Jessica’s birth parents visitations. Right now we have to take Jessica every Tuesday for “parenting classes” with her birth parents as ordered by the court. These classes have proven to very traumatic to Jessica. She goes in screaming and comes out crying or she falls asleep crying. But Children and Youth claim these classes go “wonderful” I have learned this is an organization that only cares about parent’s rights not the child. When we got Jessica most of her hair was gone from her pulling it in anguish when she was being starved, and she also would not sit in a car seat without screaming. Since we have had her she has stopped pulling her hair and she goes in the car seat. Since these parenting classes, though, she is pulling her hair again and is crying in the car seat again. She was very friendly to strangers and now she just buries her head in my shoulder and won’t go to anyone without crying. She is being made to suffer again by being made to be with the people who wouldn’t feed her. Please pray first of all that the DA presses charges very soon and they are convicted. Please also pray that Jessica will never have to go back with her birth parents again, unless they have changed their life style of drugs and alcohol and abuse. We dedicated little Jessica last Sunday. It is all in God’s hands. We pray for wisdom for us to do what needs to be done to help Jessica get justice and for her to be able to live in a safe loving, godly home the rest of her life.

Comment by Patty

I like this distinctive from Grace Life Church.

Parent-Driven Youth Ministry – The youth ministry is not designed around the presumed unique needs or desires of young people, but it is centered on God’s will for young people as revealed in His Word. Our youth ministry is parent-driven. Our goal is to strengthen parents in their God-called responsibility to “bring up their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). The so-called “generation gap” and the “adolescent years” are a result of sin and should not be encouraged by the church or youth ministries. Our youth ministry is not centered on music, drama, comedy, or other entertainments but on the faithful preaching of God’s Word and Small Groups for application of Scripture, meeting personal needs, and one-on-one discipleship and accountability. While other activities may be allowed, they must never take the place of or de-emphasize the preaching of the Word or the leadership of fathers in discipling their children.

Comment by Ike

Ike, that sounds amazing! Grace Life sounds appropriately named, and what a blessing!

Comment by willohroots

I like the idea of Tasers for Jesus! Can we start a group. If we start it out now then we can be the theo-taser-police.

Sign me up! Oh wait! Maybe not!

Comment by Jon Spadino

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